Went back to work today. Felt OK getting ready and driving in. From the car park to the building was the longest, most difficult walk I can remember. I nearly turned round and went home. I was weeping for some of it. I just didn’t want to do something as normal as going to work.
I consoled myself with a reminder that the Professor wanted me to work in this job full-time, he wanted me to make it permanent, and he was very proud of what I was doing. So much so that he told several people to make sure I do make it permanent. So he wanted me there. I could feel him with me as I walked through the door, head held high.
I am sorry to hear you are having such a sad time.
It’s weird how life goes on, everybody doing what they usually do, while this enormous, monstrous, invisible thing has happened. I cannot pretend it hasn’t, but there is nothing for me to say about it. So it’s almost like I am complicit in ignoring it, while it fills my mind and every fibre of my being.